Love means never having to say you're sorry about how you lost your temper this morning in the kitchen. I have sometimes derived comfort from the idea that, despite all the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make) as a parent, my children will turn out just fine for the simple reason that I really love them. All the things in the book that I suggest are ways of working with children." On the other hand, working with takes all of those things (time, care and courage) and requires us to do things like meeting their needs, respecting them and letting them know that they're loved. It's very counterproductive, but it's quick and easy. "Throughout the book, I talk about the difference between 'doing-to' and 'working with,' and here's the difference: to do things to kids to get them to cooperate is to use the traditional forms of discipline, which is bribes and threats and to act on children to get them to obey mindlessly. Maybe, on second thought, you'll think it really IS that important, but sometimes you want to rethink the request. Maybe it's for my own convenience and it's not necessary. Instead of asking: 'How can I get my kid to do x?" We need to think: "Is it reasonable to get them to do it?' Maybe the problem is with what I'm asking my child to do.
"Overall, parents need to start thinking about what they're doing and what they're asking their kids to do. He says, "Despite what people think, it's not the same thing. "So often we sacrifice the connection we have with our children in order to maximize control, and that's exactly wrong," Kohn says, "Before we put our foot down or do anything that might make the child feel they're not loved and accepted, we should think: 'Is it worth it?' "
He explains, "Does it really have to be done right this minute or exactly the way you would do it? Often times, if you back off and give the child the space to do it their way and on their time, you will find they'll be more prone to do it in the end." The way kids learn to make decisions is by doing it." Kohn says, "How can you help your child to be part of the decision making in this family more? For an older child, you can ask them what they consider to be a reasonable curfew, or for a younger kid you could ask them how many cookies they think it's reasonable to eat when dinner is in an hour.
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